Sunday, August 28, 2011

And suddenly...

I am overcome with sadness.
I'm sorry I know I said a few posts back, yesterday actually, that I was really going to hold off on the whining but like what the fuck ever, you go through this and try not to be upset about it ok.
It's's just, do you have any idea what it's like to do everything for someone, even if it hurts and it's horrible and it makes you cry but you do it anyways, and it's just for nothing? Just to be told that no, nothings changed.
I just keep doing everything for him, and he keeps fucking me over.
Today my mom and I were going to go there and start moving my things out and like then he talked me out of it and gave me some alternate plan and like once again we're just doing what he wants. God, I feel stupid even reading that. I just keep doing what he wants, what he says, and it's getting me no where but even more hurt. And I can tell people are like starting to not care anymore, I can tell I'm exahusting the people on my side becasue I keep making these big statements and then just going back on them for him.
And then just to be told that no, there's still not really any other outcome other than divorce.
I'm stupid, God I'm so stupid, becaseu  I can't just give up, I can't just let it happen, I can't just accept that he's really doing this to us. I don't know why I can't. I don't know why I go to bed every night praying that he's going to realize what he's doing and stop it. I don't know why I would even want to be with someone like him at this point. I don't know why I think he wouldn't do this to me, to Abbey again. I don't know why I'm willing to even give him the chance. He hasn't really proven to be the most trust worthy.
Even on the days when I wake up and I do feel strong and I do kind of hate him and I do want to get divorced and have him as far out of my life as possible, it nver lasts. I either feel all big and bad and say this to him and he agrees with me and I die and it all goes away and I just start crying again. Or, he says something like maybe this isn't happening, like maybe he might see the mistake he's making. I don't know which is worse.
It's probably worse because I over analyze everything. Either he says something that means nothing and I turn it into everythng good or bad. Or he says something like almost nice and I either kill it and make him like take it back or I turn it into something way more than it ever was. I just don't understand the actions of all this. We actually talked on the phone today and when I brought up all of these he just had no answer. How can you just have no answer? How can you just not think about things that have to happen and how you're stopping them.
I'm misreable, I'm exahsuted. I just want this over, whatever that means, I just want to be done with it.
The days when I don't talk to him are better. It's a lot easier to wake up and just not talk to him or ignore him than it is to say just stop mid day. I don't know why, I feel that way about eating too, it's way eaiser to just not eat than it is to like eat well. He's suppsed to come Wednesday, but he's like supposed to come all the time and never does. I'm fucking sad. It's pretty pathetic actually. At least I'm aware.
And spell check isn't working so like sorry.

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