Monday, July 11, 2011

I'm still totally in love with him but...

I am done putting up with this kind of shit and abuse. Ok I should clarify, not actual like physical abuse, he doesn't hit me. I'm talking more you know emotional, phsycological abuse.
I'm fucking done. He wants to treat me like shit? He wants to ignore me and ignore me and ignore me then be unreasonably rude to me when he finally does talk to me? Fine. He can expect nothing but the same back.
He's been stringing me along this whole fucking time, telling me he doesn't know if we're getting divorced, he doesn't know if we can work it out. Lies. All fucking lies. Oh no no no excuse me he was just saying that because he didn't want to hurt me, gee what a stand up fucking guy. That fucking scumbag, oh sure lying to me making me think there's still hope and all is not lost when it really is and there really isn't is a lot fucking better than telling the truth.
Seriously I'm so mad I'm shaking. He's making the biggest fucking mistake of his life. I did everything for him. I worked shitty jobs to support us. I gave up meals to make sure he got something to eat. I've defended him, I've lied for him, I've cut people off and given up friends for him. And what did it fucking get me? Nothing,I should have just listened to every single person, and there were a lot of them, that told me, no warned me, that he was nothing but s scummy loser and that he would do this to me eventually. But no I was fucking stupid and I listened to him. How many more times can he really do this to someone? How many dumb girls will fall for it? Now that he has two kids he never sees and an ex-wife at twenty fucking four years old? Who fucking dose that?
He's made a total fucking moron out of me. I look so stupid sitting here still saying I love him and hoping things get better, clinging to everything he said that was positive hoping maybe he'll see. But he won't, he'll do this, he'll ruin our life and not even look back till it's too late. And for what? For nothing that's what.
Fucking loser.
I'm pretty hot you know, I'm thinner now than I was before I had our child, I'm funny, I'm smart, I'm creative and supportive, I've put up with all his bullshit for three years. Does he really think he can do better? Dose he really think he can find anyone that knows him better, that loves and cares about him more, that he can put up with for more than two months?
What's the worst part? I love him, I love him more than anything in the world (except for Abbey obviously) and I would like jump with fucking glee if he said we could work this out. So whose the real fucking loser right? I still love him, God I sound so fucking pathetic. What can I do about that? I can't change how I feel, he can but sorry I can't. I can't just wake up one day ignore everything we've ever been through, everything we went through to be together, everything we have and our child and just be like hhmm you know what I just don't feel like being married anymore sorry.
God, even more sad than that is that he's coming to spend the day with us this Saturday and I'm still delusional hoping he'll see what a fucking mistake he's making. He's made a huge fucking mess, made a huge fucking fuss and just doesn't want to admit he's wrong. Goddammit I'm so mad.
Ugh please excuse me, my language and ranting I just had to get it all out.
Maybe I can post something not so Lifetime movie scorned sounding later lol.
I love Dustin, because I'm fucking retarded, but what a fucking loser he turned out to be.
Ok I'm done.

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