Tuesday, June 14, 2011

I'm really trying to avoid whining

The words "emotional roller coaster" do not even begin to explain what I've been like the past few weeks.
Some things you should know about me, I'm probably one of the most irrational people you've ever met, I have an anxiety disorder, and I have pretty awful OCD. But not like the compulsion part, just the obsessive part, OK I'm actually also really compulsive. Basically that means that when I get an idea in my head I obsess over it till I'm crying, then have an anxiety attack over it,then make really bad choices that don't help anything in the long run.
And I'm sorry but the fact that I'm here by myself with Abbey all the time does not help, then I'm just like you know, alone with my thoughts, making it worse. My family is on a trip taking my sister Austin to look at colleges and I'm here with the baby watching the pets and house. It's really hard right now. I'm OK then I'm not, I'm happy then I'm hysterically crying and Abbey is just looking at me like I'm crazy, and I'm kind of like too embarrassed to leave the house. No one knows, and I know that, but I feel like everyone does. It sucks.
I just want this to get better, and I know I'm making it worse. I've lost 6lbs since last Thursday, which is actually pretty awesome but like you know blah blah un-healthy and what not. I've said this before to Dustin and to everyone but it's time that I really really start channelling all my efforts and energy into taking this better and making it OK, whatever it takes. I don't care, I'll do anything. Right now that means like I guess keeping myself busy and you know leaving the house and trying, trying my hardest not to obsess over everything and make anything worse than it is.
He's supposed to call me tonight, well he was supposed to call me last night, and the night before but if he does call me tonight I'm going to tell him all this. And i know what he's going to say, I've said this before, I can't do it, there's nothing left to talk about but like I don't know maybe he'll believe me when I say I can do it. I don't want this to happen.
With every fiber of my being I don't want this to happen, it's not fair, it's not right, it's a selfish fucked up thing for him to do. I'll do anything it stop it.

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